Joke Central

please add your own, we all can use a laugh

Published on February 7, 2008 By Keila In WinCustomize Talk

IRS

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."

What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Comments (Page 37)

541

Wizard1956

on Jul 22, 2010

Wooden Leg Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to West Virginia from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39.. You just have to know how to describe it!'

542

aunteachrist

on Aug 07, 2010

Three men walk in to a bar.....

.... and the third one ducks.

543

aunteachrist

on Aug 07, 2010

Two guys are walking down the street, and the see a dog licking him self

First guy: "I wish i could do that!"

Second guy: "Maybe you should pet him first."

544

Wizard1956

on Aug 22, 2010

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

545

starkers

on Aug 22, 2010

An old bull and a young bull are standing at the top of a hill inspecting the herd of heifers down below.

The young bull say to the old bull: "Why don't we just run on down there and f**k a few of them there heifers?"

The old bull replies: "Why don't we just mosey on down there and f**k the lot.

546

Wizard1956

on Sep 05, 2010

Not jokes, as they are allegedly actual statements but funny enough for this thread.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."  ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

547

aunteachrist

on Sep 05, 2010

A nurse had been bathing a female patient, who had been in a coma for several months, she noticed a reaction when the sponge was placed between the woman's legs. After the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him to come to the hospital immediately. When the husband arrived the doctor explained the situation, and suggested that some oral sex just might help the woman recover. The husband reluctantly agreed. A few minutes later the husband came out of the room visually upset.

Doctor: "What is wrong?"

Husband: "She's dead!"

Doctor: "Dead, how did that happen?"

Husband: "She choked to death, I think."

548

Wizard1956

on Oct 25, 2010

A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, 'I could put you up for one night, but you'll have to stay in the barn.' So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, 'Were you comfortable?' He goes, 'I had a great time; I talked to all the animals.' He goes, 'You talked to the animals?' He goes, 'Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six.' He goes, 'That's exactly right.' He says, 'The horse tells me his name is Otis, you've owned him for 10 years.' He goes, 'That's incredible.' And he goes, 'I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep.' And the farmer goes, 'Those sheep are lying.'

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