One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'.. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt! '

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' h e said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 

Life is sexually transmitted. 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, ly ing in hospitals dying of nothing. 

Have you noticed since everyone has a cellphone with a video recorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt. 

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle ?

 Some penguin jokes for Doc.

Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.


Q: What´s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.


Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?
A: Because they´re afraid of Wales.


Q: Who is a Penguin´s favourite pop star?
A: Seal.


Q: What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
A: Starfish.


Q: Why don´t Penguins like rock music?
A: They only like sole.


Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
A: Because they haven´t got any pockets.


Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.


Q: What do mother Penguins say to their children
before they go out in the dark?
A: Beak....careful out there.


Q: Why do two Penguins in a nest always agree?
A: Because they don´t wanna fall out.


Q: What do Penguins have for lunch?
A: Icebergers.

Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost.

More penguin jokes:

A penguin was passing the drug store when he decided he wanted to go in. He walks in the door (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) he waddles up to the counter. 'Can I help you mister penguin?'
'Yes, do you have any plums?'
'No, penguin, this is a drugstore.'
'Thank you.' The penguin leaves (waddle waddle waddle)
A while latter the penguin passes by again and once again goes inside. (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) He waddles to the counter. 'Excuse me, do you have any plums?'
'NO, penguin! this is a drug store!'
'Very well then, thank you.'
'If you come back in here again penguin, I will nail your cute little feet to the floor.'
'Oh, well, thank you' The penguin waddles out the door.
A while latter the penguin goes back into the store. (ring ring ring, waddle waddle waddle) 'Excuse me sir.'
'WHAT!!!!!!????????'
'Do you have any nails?'
'NO! penguin, this is a drug store!!!'
'Oh, well then, do you have any plums?'

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

Now I'm off to ponder on Docs post  at #512

Subject: The economy is so bad
>       that...
>
>
>
> The economy is so bad that...
> CEO's are now
>       playing miniature golf.
> >
> Jewish women are marrying for love.
>       
> >
> Even people who had nothing to do with the Obama
>       administration aren't
> paying their taxes.
> >
> If the bank
>       returns your check marked "Insufficient
> Funds," you call them
> and ask
>       if they meant you or them.
> >
> Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are
>       trading higher than GM.
> >
> Obama met with small businesses to
>       discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer,
> and Citigroup.
> >
>       
> McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
> >
> Parents in Beverly
>       Hills fired their nannies and learned their
> children's
> names.
> >
>       
> A truck of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
> >
> The
>       most highly paid job now is jury duty.
> >
> Dick Cheney took his
>       stockbroker hunting.
> >
> People in Africa are donating money to
>       Americans.
> >
> Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids,
>       "Finish your plate, do you know
> how many kids are starving in the
>       US?"
> >
> Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
> >
>       
> The Mafia is laying off judges.
> >
> Exxon-Mobil laid off 25
>       Congressmen.
> >
> And finally... Congress says they are looking
>       into this Bernard Madoff
> scandal.
> Hey, neat! The guy who made $50
>       billion disappear is being investigated by
> the people who made $750
>       billion
> disappear!

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

@Ed !

@Randy!

Why did the Siamese twins got to England?
So the other one could drive for a while.

What did Dan Quayle say when Mrs. Quayle blew
softly in his ear?
"Thanks for the refill."

Two miserable inhabitants of hell were taking a
walk when a frigid breeze blew. A moment later, a
storm dumped several inches of snow, reducing
the blazing fires to sizzling steam. The men
looked around in amazement.
"What do you suppose is going on?" one asked.
"Only thing I can figure," the other said, "is
that the Cubs went to the series.

How to make a woman happy:

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be: 

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber 
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist 
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer 
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic 
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant 
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous 
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes 

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes 


 


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked 


2. Bring alcohol

 way to good Dr..

angus1949 "the economy" was great   

Just Another Day on the Construction Site

http://mccormickequipment.com/fun_stuff/funstuff1.html

Keila last one are photoshopped. The first crane truck falling into the drink is real, but second never fell off.

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down    

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.  

Now here are the rules from the male side.   


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!  

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
   You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
   We need it up, you need it down.
   You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
   or the changing of the tides.
   Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
   Let us be clear on this one:
   Subtle hints do not work!
   Strong hints do not work!
   Obvious hints do not work!
   Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
   Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
   In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
   Don't ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry
   we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
   Or tell us how you want it done.
   Not both.
   If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
   We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
   We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hunting or Fishing.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
   Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


   But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

The perfect hack or major screw-up

http://www.tmz.com/2009/08/20/the-perfect-grill-for-a-cannibal

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it,and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole."
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later,right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two asshole to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called asshole #1.
"Hello"
"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer out front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.
Now, I feel better.

Some Jewish Jokes for a Sunday:

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? " The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

Q: "How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a burned-out electric light bulb?" A: None: "It's okay, I will sit here in the dark..."

The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his father's bedside. His father is near death. Father: "Son." Son: "Yes Dad." Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is Mama making my favorite apple strudel?" Son: "Yes Dad." Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could just have one more piece of Mama's apple strudel. Would you get me a piece?" Son: "OK, Dad." (Son leaves and walks toward kitchen. After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.) Father: "Is that you son?" Son: "Yes Dad." Father: "Did you bring the apple strudel?" Son: "No Dad." Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!" Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the strudel is for after the funeral!"

Four Jewish ladies, at a resort in the Catskills, were in rockers on the veranda and admiring the scenery. After a while the first woman sighed, "Oy!" The others sighed sympathetically. Then the second woman sighed, "Oy Vey!" The others nodded. A third woman said, "Oy, Gottenyu!" The others nodded as if in agreement. Finally, the fourth woman said, "Enough talk about the children. Let's go for a walk!"

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He went around saying "Yo Yav!"

Manny goes into a restaurant and orders fried haddock. The waiter serves him a nice sized piece of fish. As he's walking away the waiter overhears Manny talking to the fish. Soon Manny is deep in conversation with his lunch.
"What on earth are you doing?" says the waiter. “Do you want to eat it or marry it?” Manny replies, “We're just schmoozing. It seems that the fish is from Herne Bay in Kent. I used to live there and I was asking the fish how things are back in my old home town.”
"What did he say?" asked the waiter.
"He said, “How should I know? I haven’t been there in years!”

A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi, you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?"
"You have discovered one of the principles of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?"
"People like to discuss things they know nothing about."