hehe   

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Our Government Is Trying To Correct This Problem

Большое спасибо Вам, мой друг.

Alcohol Warning Labels:

1. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

2. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.

5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

6. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.

7. Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.

8. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.

9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

10. Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.

11. Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.

12. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.

13.Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can drive better and faster than Mario Andretti.

14.Consumption of alcohol may lead to a sudden increase in gravity.

I think your #14 is covered by #7  

15.Consumption of alcohol may make you pray to the porcelain god.  

16. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you're great at karaoke.

17. Consumption of alcohol may cause brewers droop... despite the illusion that you're one very studly 'casanova'

18. Consumption of alcohol may cause vertigo and/or the ceiling to spin.

19. Instant idiot... just add alcohol.

20 Consumption of alcohol may lead you to say things like "I'm not as think as you drunk I am".

  

21. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to ......

Zubaz gets a job at a Psychiatric Hospital. (Shut -up)

He has to take a new orderly around and introduce him to the patients.

They go into the first room and the guy in the room, with fists clenched together is swinging at the air. The orderly asks 'What are you doing?' The patient replies "I'm practicing my baseball. When I get out of here, I'm gonna be the worlds greatest baseball player" The orderly smiles and says "Good for you." and they move on to the next room.

In the next room, the man is hopping from side to side, swinging at the air with his right fist. The orderly asks "What are you doing?" The patient replies "I'm practicing my tennis. When I get out of here, I'm gonna be the worlds greatest tennis player." The orderly smiles and says "Good for you." and they move on to the next room.

In the third room, a man is standing, staring at the floor and with both fists clenched together, swings at his feet. The orderly asks "What are you doing?" The man says "I'm parcticing my golf. When I get out of here, I'm gonna be the worlds greatest golfer." The orderly smiles and says "Good for you." and they move on to the next room.

Zubaz and the orderly open the door to the fourth room. They are confronted by a man, sitting naked on the floor, masturbating into a giant sandwhich bag of walnuts. The orderly gasps "WHAT are you DOING?" To which the patient replies 'I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"

Zubaz replies "No you're not. You're a fucking mime!" (See post #146)

OK, this isn't a joke as such, but I thought this Fisherman's Friend ad was funny... WWW Link

Nice friend  

RECTUM STRETCHER
> (if you don't laugh at this one, there is something wrong.)
>
> While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge
> only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
>
> The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
> smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
>
> To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
>
> 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
>
> I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
>
> The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
> stretcher do?'
>
> 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two
> fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to
> side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it,
> until it's about 6 feet wide.'
>
> 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.
>
> 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
>
> Traffic Ticket - $95.00
> Court Costs - $45.00
> Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.
The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.)
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.
The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Note: The museum will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.