The Angel Atop The Tree Tradition...

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.

When he got there, Mrs. Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"

At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"

And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.

There I was on my way to shop at Wal-Mart ...Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind. Wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood...And then...I rear-ended a car.


So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny)?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... He was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

And that's when the fight started.

Guy with a huge frog on his head walks into a bar and orders himself a beer... much to the surprise (and amusement) of the barman. It's a very busy bar and the barman is called away to serve other patrons so he is unable to immediately quiz the guy about the frog on his head... tho he is constantly reminded of its presence by several loud croaks coming from the guy's direction.

After serving several other customers, the barman is called to serve the 'frog' guy another beer: "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice the huge frog on your head, would you mind telling me how you came to be wearing a frog on your head?"

After a brief silence, the frog replies: "It started out as a wart on my arse!"

Many thanks to all of you for keeping this thread going. I so enjoy these morning chuckles.

  

Guy in a pink suit, carrying a pink purse and a pink umbrella, walks into a bikers bar, saunters up to the barkeep and orders himself a pink gin. He's not been there too long when he spots this 240 pound 6' 6" biker, who looks rather agro and as mean as a cut snake... not that that deters him, as he pulls up a stool beside him and tries to strike up a conversation between them....

The biker isn't too interested in the conversation but lets go a few grunts and other guttural sounds every so often to acknowledge what was said. This, however, was mistakenly taken by the 'pink suited' guy as a sign of acceptance, so he puts his hand on the biker's knee.

With that, the biker jumped up and grabbed the pink suited guy, lifted him above his head, twirled him around several times and then hurled him right across the room, thus smashing him up against the wall on the other side...

For good measure, he then grabs the umbrella and sticks it where the sun don't shine.... but the the pink suited guy, obviously a glutton for punishment, is crying out: "Oh open it!!! For God's sake, open it!!"

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Tran substantiate



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Flooding Survival Kit



Toilet Paper......................................check

Bud Light..........................................check

Keystone Ice.....................................check

Budweiser....................................... check

Red Dog...........................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol..............check

Piece of plywood to float your
old lady and booze on ...................... double check

Are you tired of those asinine "friendship" poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

  

This is not a Zubaz joke  

Can You Read This? Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Three mimes and Zubaz walk into a bar.

They sit at the bar and the bartender asks "What'll you have?"

Zubaz orders a Double Flaming Nipple.

The bartender warily looks at the first mime and asks "what'll you have?" The mime leaps from the bar stool and begins hopping, six feet in the air, back and forth across the bar. Zubaz looks at the bartender and says "He would like a Grasshopper." at which point the mime takes his seat again, smiling.

The bartender looks at the second mime and asks 'What'll you have?" The mime jumps up on the bar and goes into a low crouch, arms folded and begins kicking his legs as he hops. He kicks beer mugs back into the wall and sends the peanuts all across the floor. The bartender starts yelling and Zubaz interupts..."He'll have a White Russian." at which point the second mime takes his seat, smiling.

The bartender, a little upset, looks at the third mime. "And what'll you have?" The mime pulls out a big sandwich bag full of walnuts and pulls out his pecker and immediately begins to masturbate into the bag of walnuts.

"HEY!" the bartender yells. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!?!"

Zubaz looks at the mime and then at the bartender. "He's fucking nuts. He'll drink anything."

  

Did Zubaz read this?

Due to the lack of death threats I would assume it is safe to guess he hasn't yet.