Scottish Kilt... A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

"I don't wanna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???

He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humour."

OUCH!

Dead man walking

That's just like when they ask "Does this dress make me look fat?"

One Day at school a math teacher decided to quiz her class in addition.

Teacher: "If I give you two cats plus two cats plus another two cats how many cats do you have?"

Little Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No Little Johnny that's not right." "look If I give you two oranges plus two oranges plus another two oranges how many do you have?'

Little Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Correct Little Johnny." "Now If I give you two cats plus two more cats then another two cats how many cats do you have?"

Little Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "NO JOHNNY HOW DO U KEEP GETTING SEVEN!?"

Little Johnny: "Because Mrs. I already have a cat at home."

The Fly...

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL?

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Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s h i t.

Now there's some solid advice for the Forums!

Same thought went through my mind.  

A Farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "This is the pig that I have to make love to when you're not in the mood". His wife looks up and says: "I think you'll find that's a sheep". The Farmer says: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.............."

 @BoXXi

This is a old one I still had around.

~Interesting Facts~
 
 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you
 would have produced  enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
 (Hardly seems worth it)
 
 If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
 enough gas is produced to  create the energy of an    atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)
 
 A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next
 life I want to be a pig)
 (How'd they figure this out, and why?)
 
 Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories
 an hour. (Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)
 
 Humans and dolphins are the only species that have
 sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't
 seem fair)
 
 Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
 longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)
 
 The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull
 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
 
 Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....? Who
 cares? How'd they find out, ask them?)
 
 The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
 (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
 
 The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's
 like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine? And why pigs?)
 
 A cockroach will live nine days without its head,
 before it starves to death. (Creepy)
 
 The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its
 head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's
 head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
 
 Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next
 life I still want to be a lion-pig)
 
 Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, geez)
(That's almost as bad as catfish)
 
 An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know
 some people like that.)
 
 Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like
 that too.)
 
 After reading all these, all I can say is. . .

               Lucky Pigs.

Kiss the Cabbie... A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Um... with all the curried cabbage in my diet, I've been farting consitently for the last 35 years.  So, does that qualify me as a nulear arsenal.