One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous
Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was
gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most Honorable Sir:

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall out of tree.
I not see.

No Fee,

Chen Lee

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday.

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my 'Nana'," said Chris.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" said the teacher.
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo," said Mitchell.
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Subject: Rule of thumb

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

Small thumbs!

A few days before christmas a mailman is dropping off mail on a porch when the door opens and a beautiful blonde wearing sexy lingerie invites him inside.  She has sex with him, then hands him a single dollar bill and tells him to get out.

He's like, "What's going on?!?"

She says, "Well, my husband and I were thinking what to get people for christmas, and when I asked about the mailman he said 'Fuck the mailman!  Give him a dollar and throw him out!'"

Nope... I've been busy checking the other appendage, and wondering why it is three times shorter than my thumb... and shoot, we're coming into Summer here in Oz, so I can't even blame the cold weather.

Religions of the World

Here's the list:

1. Taoism - Shit happens.
2. Hare Krishna - Shit happens rama rama ding ding.
3. Hindusim - This shit happened before.
4. Islam - If shit happens, take a hostage.
5. Zen - What is the sound of one shit happening?
6. Buddhism - When shit happens, is it really shit?
7. Confusianism - Confucias say, "Shit happens".
8. 7th Day Adventist - Shit happens on Saturdays.
9. Protestantism - Shit won't happen if I work harder.
10. Catholocism - If shit happens, I deserve it.
11. Jehova's Witness - Knock, knock, "Shit happens!"
12. Unitarian - What is this shit?
13. Mormon - Shit happens again and again and again ...
14. Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to me?
15. Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this shit!

Unfortunately this is too true. Sure explains why they will
 spend millions to get elected to a job that only pays
 thousands. It is the great Perks that go with it. We should
 be so lucky at our Job oportunities !!

 
 
 
       Dear Boss,
 
       I have enjoyed working here these past several years.
 You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief.
  I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will
 pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most
 people can only dream about.
 
       Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to
 find a new position.
 
       During this time I will show up for work when it is
 convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full
 salary and all the other perks associated with my current
 job.
 
       Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves
 fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or
       status. Before you say anything, remember that you
 have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.
 
       Sincerely, Every Senator or Congressman running for
 President.
 
       Try that at your job and tell me how it works out.

I swear I was talking about that with my s.o. last nite!

Him and Her...

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

If a man says something but there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

"I didn't know what happiness was until I got married ... but then it was too late."

Q: What's the dirrefence between boys and men?  A: Men's toys are more expensive.

Q: What is the best way for a man to remember his wedding anniversary?  A: Forget it once.

Q What's the penalty for bigamy?  A Two Mother-in-laws!