Wiz! Dynamite!!!

Macho Mice

3 mice were sitting in a bar one day talking about how tough they were. The first one drank a shot of whiskey, slammed the glass down on the bar and said: "There isn't a mouse trap in the world that is strong enough to get me. As a matter of fact I like to spring them, catch the bar, do 25-30 bench presses with it then hop out. 

The second mouse drank a shot of whiskey, slammed the glass on the bar and said: "D-con is no match for me. I like to eat it like candy, and on occasion, grind it up, roll it and smoke it. It's really great stuff."

The third mouse, drank his shot of whiskey, slammed it on the bar, got up off of his stool and started walking towards the door. The first mouse asked him where he was going. The third mouse looked over his shoulder and replied: "Home to screw the cat."

  Good one!

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to
the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the
trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the
rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you
wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies
and private parts to the approaching drivers. To my surprise, cars
start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. Traffic starts backing
up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't
long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car
and starts walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, 'Helloooooo,
those are my emergency flashers !

LMAO!!! I haven't hardly read this topic before, awesome stuff guys and gals

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Cat Rescue

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"

"No," she cries, "It's too far!"

"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.

Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and he runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.

Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Job Interview

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir?

He asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhoea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd shit in my pants!"

He got the job.

Great quotes by comedians


"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the 
video camera and come help me."
  --Bobcat Goldthwait

 "I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's 
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my 
sister's house and ask her for money."
  --Kevin Meaney

 "My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake 
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
  --Paula Poundstone

 "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
  --Warren Hutcherson

 "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the
locks, they are always locking three."
  --Elayne Boosler

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
  --John Mendoza

"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
 --Steven Wright

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat 
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they 
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and 
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
  --Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
  --Conan O'Brien

"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
  --Winston Spear

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."
  --Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
  --Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up  
something else."
  --Lily Tomlin

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population."
  --David Letterman

"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still
far away."
  --Billiam Coronell

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
  --Rita Rudner

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
  --Lily Tomlin

"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little 
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. 
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe  
clippers right here.'"
  --Jerry Seinfeld

"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it."
  --Steven Wright

"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them 
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
  --Bruce Baum

"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't
know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You
know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know.
'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little 
bit?"
  --Garry Shandling

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't 
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
  --Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
  --Paul Rodriguez

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
  --Lynda Montgomery

LMAO folks!!

The Ultimate Rejection Letter


Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
an assistant professor position in your department. 

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. 

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. 

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen

An oldie but a goodie

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

My girl friend is such a bad cook....she thinks the smoke alarm is a timer.

My girl friend is such a bad cook....she fed some to the dog and he licked his own a$$ to get the taste out of his mouth.

CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS