The Pastor's Ass
       
  
      The pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
 
      The pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the Race
again, and it won again.

 
      The local paper read:
 
 
    PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
 
     
 
      The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

  
      The next day, the local paper headline
read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
 
      This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

 
      The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent.
 
      The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
  
  
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
 
  The bishop fainted.
 
      He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.


  
      The next day the paper read:
 
      NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
 
      This was too much for the bishop, so he
ordered the nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
 
The next day the headlines read:
 
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
 
      The bishop was buried the next day.

 
      The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery . even shorten your
life.

Three Pints of Guinness ... An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine. It's me! I've quit drinking!"

Why is that so shaky and blurry? I can't read it.

bump

Practice Safe Fax:

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure.

Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great.

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used.

Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.

Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.

Safe Holiday Eating: 

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the corner.

In a Thick Fog

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. 

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. 

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."

LMAO!! Good stuff guys

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Paul and Mary get married
but couldn't afford a honeymoon - 
so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house
 for their first night together.  
 
In the morning  
Johnny - Paul's little brother -
gets up and has his breakfast.  
 
As he is going out of the door
 to go to school - he asks his mom
 if Paul and Mary are up yet.  
 
She replies - No.  
 
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ? 
   
His mom replies - I don't want to hear
 what you think ! 
  
Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch
 and asks his mom - 
Are Paul and Mary up yet ? 

She replies - No.

Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?  
 
His mom replies - Never mind what you think !

Eat your lunch and go back to school .

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - 
Are Paul and Mary up yet ? 

His mom says - No.  
 
He asks - Do you know what I think ?  
 
His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think 

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the Vaseline and I think..

I gave him my airplane glue.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife
started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is
this? Where have you been?'

'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on
and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar
ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off
for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable
sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife
answered and was told that her husband's client , James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had,
she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the
sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

There have been so many great jokes in here.  Thanks to all who have posted.

Why does California have a lot of lawyers and New Jersey a lot of landfills?


--New Jersey had first pick.

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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."