His First Exam


A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary.
I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbecued 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" he replies. "No wonder.. those are friars!"

A new store opened in New York. It's called The Husband Store. Women can go there to find a husband, but there are strict rules. She may visit the store only ONCE. There are 6 floors with men of differing qualities in ascending order. The women may go up a Flor at a time but may only go down all the way to the bottom and out the front door.

So a woman enters the store and reads the big sign inside the entrance by the elevator. The first floor sign reads: Men with jobs. She's intrigued but continues to the second floor. There the sign reads: Men with jobs and love children. Nice she thinks but I want more and proceeds to the third floor. There she is greeted by a sign that reads: Men who have jobs, love children and are extremely good looking. WOW she thinks but feels compelled to keep going. So on to the fourth floor where the sign reads: Men with jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous and help with housework. Oh my she thinks, I can hardly stand it but on to the fifth floor she goes. There the sign reads: Men who have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with housework and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay and take a husband from here but she goes on to the sixth floor, There the sign reads: You are visitor 37,365,498 to this floor. There are no men here. This floor only exists to prove you can't satisfy a woman. Thank you for shopping with us.

PLEASE NOTE:
So not to be gender bias the owner opened a store across the street called New Wives. The first floor has wives who love sex. The second floor has wives who love sex, have money and love beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.    

  angus1949

...  ...

Pat and Mike are walking down the street when they see a dog sitting in a yard and he's licking his male parts. Pat looked over at Mike and said "Man,I wish I could do that". Mike stated that perhaps Pat should pet the dog first.

Two Men From Scotland


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too!

Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."

Don't Make a Nurse Angry...

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size
44DD'S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the
beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor
moaning and groaning.

'Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......

A LICKER LICENSE!

WWW Link

Forgetful Actor...


There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

I take it you got that.  

got it? ... I saw it coming. But it was still a good laugh

A tourist goes into incoin's village. With the intension of having a glance at the great man's home, he asks a villager "Any GREAT MAN born in ur village? "


"No Sir! ONLY SMALL BABIES!!" replied the v