One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'


His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.

'What the **** is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'Honey,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'


'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.


'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'


'No, would you like to give it a try?'


Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
keys, then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed
to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and
said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'


______________________________________________________________________________-


When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy ... it's pretty damn smart.


I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why m en think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like i t,
I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pa ir of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with
excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like sh e was going to kill me, I added,
'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.

Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"






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A woman dies and is met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates, who then gives her a guided tour of Heaven. She is shown around what, to her, is like a 10 star hotel with all the mod cons and luxuries... absolutely superb decor; sumptuous furnishings; waiters and waitresses topping up drinks and bringing around platters of food; free taxis to ferry everyone around to where ever they wish and countless places of culture and entertainment, such as picture theatres, museums and art galleries, etc.

The woman was suitably impressed and was preparing for her evening meal when she heard what sounded like a dentist's drill and someone screaming in total agony, to which she inquired of St Peter: "What on Earth is that??"

St Peter replies: "Not on Earth m' dear... this is Heaven, and the lady in the queue just ahead of you is being drilled for her angel wings."

About an hour later the woman is again alarmed at the sound of drilling and more screams of agony, and again she inquires of St Peter: "What on Earth are they doing to her now??"

St Peter replies: "She is now being drilled for her halo."

The woman was quite disturbed by all this and asks St Peter where the elevator is so that she can go to Hell instead... to which he replies: "Oh no, you don't want to go there, they'll rape and sodomise you down there."

"Yes," said the woman: "but I already have all the holes for that!"

Summer is right around the corner(in the USA anyway)so my mom sent me this. New Treatment For Sunburn
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours
and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes,a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

25 Reasons Why A Beer Is Better Than A Woman:


1. You can enjoy a beer anytime of the month.

2. Beer stains wash out.

3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.

4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football with the guys.

5. When a beer is flat you toss it out.

6. Beer is never late.

7. HANGOVERS GO AWAY!

8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

9. Beer labels come off without a fight.

10. When you go to a bar you know you can always pick up a beer.

11. Beer never has a headache.

12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents.

13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer on your breath.

14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

15. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

16. A beer always goes down easy.

17. You can share a beer with your friends.

18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.

19. Beer is always wet.

20. Beer doesn't demand equality.

21. You can have a beer in public.

22. A beer doesn't care when you cum.

23. A frigid beer is a good beer.

24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

25. If you change beers, you won't have to pay alimony.

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!" The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

Suggestive...

There were two statues in some ancient city of Greece which had been in existence for centuries. One was a nude male while the other was a nude female. For centuries they had braved the cold weather and the scorching sun. They had witnessed historical events such as Alexander the Great setting out on his conquest of the world, the rise and fall of the Roman empire, etc.

One day an angel who was flying over the city saw the two statues. He was overcome with sorrow for the two and he came down and brought them to life. "Well", the angel said, "my powers can grant you life for not more than an hour. So you have sixty minutes and the time doesn't begin till I disappear. Make the most of it!"

As soon as the angel disappeared the two just nodded at each other and immediately jumped behind a bush nearby. For nearly fifty five minutes there was a lot of noise, disturbance, screams, leaves and feathers flying around from behind the bush. At the end of fifty five minutes the man said "Well, we have just five minutes left! What more do you reckon we should do?"

"Something more of the same would be divine!" said the woman.

"Alright", said the man "only this time you hold the pigeons and I shall shit on them!"

Spell Checker

I halve a spelling checker,

It came with my pea see.

It plainly marks four my revue

Mistakes I dew knot sea.



Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait aweigh.



As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the era rite

Its rarely ever wrong.



I've scent this massage threw it,

And I'm shore your pleased too no

Its letter prefect in every weigh;

My checker tolled me sew.

Well damn. Noone ever told me Zubaz was a poet.

A mime walks into a bar and says

Q .... How do you turn a DUCK into a Soul Singer ?

A .... Cook it in the microwave for a while, until it's BILL WITHERS hehehe