good one messiah

Twins, Mick and Pat joined the army were getting through all the courses with flying colours and great distinction. No matter what the drill sergeant threw at them, they were more than capable of handling it and broke numerous army records with their feats of strength and endurance. They were the toughest, meanest and most capable cadets the drill sergeant had ever seen during his 25 year career... up until they had to do a parachute jump.

Both Mick and Pat had a morbid fear of heights, so began to shake uncontrollably once they were over the drop zone, the bay door opened and soldiers ahead of them began to jump. All of a sudden these tough hombres had turned to jelly, and when it was their turn to jump, they looked out the bay door and said: "No effing way! We can't do that!!!"

The drill sergeant was not at all impressed with his star cadets, and there was no way he could have them let him down after getting commendations from the CO for having the best drilled, most disciplined squad on the base...

"Look, you two, if you don't jump I'm going to thump you.", and he held up a fist the size of a dinner plate to demonstrate how much it would hurt...

"Well you're just gonna have to thumps us, then!", and they stood there defiantly daring him to do so. The drill sergeant, however, was wise to them and, being both were very accomplished boxers, and knew this posed no threat to them..

"OK, then", as he pulled this humungous wad of manhood out of his pants: "if you's buggers don't jump.... I'm going to stick this thing right up your backsides!", and with that, Mick took a flying leap and was out the bay door in a flash.

A little while later back at the barracks, Mick and Pat meet up, and Mick says: "Well it wasn't that bad after all, dunno what I was so scared about"

"Nah, it wasn't that bad at all", says Pat

"So, Pat, you ended up jumping, then?"


"Yeah....just a little bit!"

Guy is in a male convenience when a 'little' person walks in, stands at the urinal beside him and inquires: "And how are you today?"

"I'm very well, thank you," answers the big guy: "and how are you today?"

"Me! Well I'm somewhat depressed cos, despite fame and fortune for being in the Guinness Book Of World Records for being the smallest man on Earth, I can't find myself a nice woman to settle down with."

"Oh, that's a shame, do you have any idea why that may be?"

I'm not real sure, but I think it may have something to do with me being so small and the miniscule size of my genitals... women thinking I can't satisfy them, you know!"

"That's a terrible shame," says the big guy: "wish there was something I could do to help."

"Well actually there is something you could do, but I'm just too embarrassed to ask!"

"No need to feel embarrassed, what is it?"

"Well you have really, really big balls, and me, being such a teensy little person, with tiny, tiny little ones, would like to know what it feels like to hold such magnificent specimens?"

The big guy is somewhat taken aback by this request... but looks under the cubicle doors to see if anyone else is around before agreeing to it: "Look, I'll let you hold them for a moment, but being so small, how are you going to reach?"

"Oh look," says the little guy: "there's a stool over there... and if I clamber up on it I should be able to reach just fine."

With that he goes over, gets the stool and climbs upon it to hold the big guy's balls: "Hmmm. they sure are heavy! And I sure as heck couldn't imagine carrying them around all day... like I'd need to put them in a wheelbarrow just to get down the street!"

"I'm glad that you like them and I'm glad that I could help you," says the big guy, "but now I have to get going so I can meet my wife."

"You have a wife?? And what does she think of your lovely big......

...Orright, gimme all your money or I jump!!!"

A woman, over-protected as a child, and therefore somewhat naive and prudish, is asked by her husband to pick him up some new underwear while she's out shopping...

All begins well enough, but when she sees a man wearing only jockeys coming out of the dressing cubicle to show his wife how they fitted him, she immediately turns around and decides to get her husband's underwear from the womens clothing section...

Later that evening, the husband came home from work and was going in for his shower before dinner: "The underwear you asked me to pick up... if you're looking for it, it's in the top drawer of your bed-side table."

"Thanks for that."

As usual, she could hear him happily singing in the shower while she was preparing his dinner, but that came to an abrupt end when she heard him shriek: "What the....!!!"

"What's the matter, dear?" she inquired.

"It's this damned underwear!!! It's like St Pauls Cathedral!!!

"What do you mean... like St Pauls Cathedral???"

NO BALLROOM, woman....NO BALLROOM!!!!"

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow ?"

Presenting the top morons of the year...

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from own his bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked at the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE ... Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer !!!!!!!!!

Nothing provides more amusement than the stupidity of others.

The Procrastinator's Creed:

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Recently seen Bumper Stickers


"U.S. Government Philosophy: If It Ain't Broke, Fix It 'Til It Is"

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Horn broken. Watch for finger

No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.

Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.

Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.

Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.

Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway.

I brake for Hallucinations.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...

Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home

Smile - Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.

"Telling an Old Person He's Useless is Abortion on the Other End"

Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed

Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...]

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

Guns may kill, but I maim.

Life is just like a bar.

Last call comes to soon.

Tailgaters will be shot.

If you don't like my driving then honk, and wait for gun shots.

Don't ask what your customers can do for you, ask how much you can take them for.

Drunk NRA Member On Board.

If you can read this..*SCREECH* then expect a call from my lawyer.

Those who remember their weekend don't party enough.

I always begin a new week the same. The detox guys even know me by name!

Gun control is hittin' what you shoot at!

WELCOME TO NEW HAMPSHIRE, NOW LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Nothing Duct-Tape Won't Fix!

My dog ate your honor student!

Don't steal, the government hates competition!

WATCH OUT! There is a blond driving.

I'm not speeding officer i'm just driving my car.

I'm not following to close... it is called "Drafting"

Next time wave all your fingers at me!

Live long enough to become a problem to your kids.

I would rather push a Chevy than drive a Ford.

Wife and dog missing!! Reward for dog.

If god paid for our sins, lets get our monies worth!

Heavens scared of me,and hell thinks I'll take over.

If you can read this you're TOO close.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Love is grand...divorce is twenty grand

I'm in no shape to exercise!

If its not one thing its your mother!

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught!

I am a virgin(this is an old sticker)

If you do something you'll regret in the morning... SLEEP TILL NOON!

Don't drink and drive you may hit a bump and spill your drink.

Eat Canadian lamb...40,000 coyotes cant be wrong!

Individualists of the world-UNITE!

Don't be humble--your not that great.

I gave up drinking smoking and sex! that was the worst 15 minutes of my life.

Illiterate? write for free help.

My lawyer can beat up your lawyer.

My mother told me to be good...but she's been wrong before.

Yes, as a mater of fact i DO own the whole damn road

Nobody is ugly after 2a.m.

I spent most of my money on booze, boats and broads... the rest I wasted.

You must pay for your sins! (if you have already paid please discard this notice).

A penny for your thoughts, twenty bucks to act them out!

Wow that's a hell of a list pictoratus. I think I'll follow the spirit of ALMonty's post (which he obviously doesn't do or I wouldn't have just been reading it ) and read those bumper stickers tomorrow

    

Took me 2 days to post that joke.  

Until they turn the lights on.