Thanks on a crappy Monday!

Groucho: "I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury!".

My first wife married me for my money... when she found out I wasn't loaded I didn't have enough to buy her a one-way ticket across town.

My second wife married me for my looks... then she had her eyes tested and got glasses: still didn't have enough money to buy her a one-way ticket across town.

My third wife married me for my brains... now I have enough for a one-way ticket across town and she doesn't want to use it.

Two airplane mechanics were sitting around on a foggy day in Canberra (no flights) when one said to the other, "Iy 'ear you can get really stoned on jet fuel." His buddy said, "No flights, let's 'ave at it."

To make a short story long, next morning one calls the other and asked, "Hey, that was great and no hangover! But have yer tooted yet?"

"Naaaah, woy?"

"Coz oy just landed in London!"

(For my mate wot likes Curried Cabbage, and lives in Oz)

Reply #201 is the American version.

GETTING EVEN

 A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me  during the way?" "What?! Get Out of my cab, you scum." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Sorry Al Monty! Hadn't seen it!

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
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Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
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Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.
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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.
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Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.
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Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.
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Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
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Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.
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Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

New Financial Terms :

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET - A 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

Is this wrong?

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.

Three men lived together a son, a father and a grandfather.  One evening the son gets bored and goes down the pub around 7.00 pm and doesn't get home again 'til 2.00 in the morning, and the father says: "Son, where have you been all this time we've been worried about you?"

"Well it's like this, dad, I met up with an old flame and we went back to her place for drinks... and one thing led to another. Oh, and what passion!"

A few nights later the father gets bored and goes down the pub around 6.30. pm and doesn't get home until 9.00 am the next morning, and the gandfather says: "Son, where have you been all this time, we've been worried sick about you?"

"We'll it's like this, dad, I went down the pub and met an old flame, and after a few drinks we decided to get a room.... and what passion, what passion"

About a week later the grandfather gets bored and decides to go to the pub, but he's gone for 5 days and the son and grandson are frantic with worry, so when he gets home they both front him: "Well where the hell have you been all this time, we've been going out of our minds with worry?

"Well it's like this, I went to the pub and met an old flame, who asked me back to her place to catch up on 'old times'.... oh and what patience, what patience.

It can't?   

@Starkers:

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." Then they told me "No one is perfect."

So I stopped practicing.

Is this allegorical?

Moose Hunting

Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded.
Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last year."