Confucious say crowded elevator always smell different to midget.

Confucious say do not drink and park: accident cause people! 

Confucious say... woman who fly plane upside down bound to have crack up.

Confucious say... man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucious say... telephone in China vely confusing.. there are so many Wings and Wong you might wing the wong number.

Lost Grandpa 

I was at the Mall with my 5-year-old grandson last week and we got separated.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my Grandpa!". "What's he like?" asked the policeman.

"Beer and women with big boobs," replied my grandson.

I've never been more proud of him.

Then there was the cop about to go off duty, hadn't written a ticket all day. He was parked behind the billboard, waiting....finally, along comes a car doing 85mph, in a 45 mph zone.  The officer pulls him over and says..." Man, I have waited for you all day!" and the driver says  " Well, I got here as fast as I could"    badumpbump

If a horse is running across the field and his front legs are doing 50mph, what are his back legs doing?..........

Hauling Ass!!!   

PDJ ... 

Because I'm a Guy

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart -- despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the new millennium, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"

"Well your Honor," the man told him, "It's not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!"

The Silent Fart

An elderly couple, Mary and Bob, were attending church services.

About halfway through, Mary leaned over and whispered to Bob, 'I just
let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?'

Bob replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

  Why did the chicken cross the road.......to show the opossum it could be done.

                                                   .......to see a man lay bricks.

PDJ:   

Little Tommy comes home from school one day and he heads upstairs to his room. On his way down the hall, he passes by his Mom and Dad's room. They are in there, making love, and Tommy asks, " What are you doing in there?"  Dad says, "We're playing poker, go to your room and study." So Tommy heads on down the hall and comes up on his sister's room. She and her boyfriend are in there making love. Tommy asks, " What are you doing in there?"   Sister says "We're playing poker, go to your room and study." So Tommy goes upstairs to his room, and he finds his uncle there,  masturbating. Tommy says, "What are you doing, Unk?"  His uncle says " I'm playing poker " Tommy says " I thought it took 2 to play poker. " Unk says, "Not if you've got a good hand!"     

I apologize if that one was over the top. I hope not.  

Some of the many reasons I was fired from working at the local toy store...

A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.

Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."

You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.

Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.

You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.

Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.

The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.

Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.

Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.

Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.

Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.

Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."

Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.

Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.

Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I'm on break."

A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.

The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"

The father says, "Making a puppy. So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"

The father replies, "Making a baby."

The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy."

 
  Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. 

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. 

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. 

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." 

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..." 

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." 

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." 

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." 

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." 

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."