please add your own, we all can use a laugh

Published on February 7, 2008 By Keila In WinCustomize Talk

IRS

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."

What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Comments (Page 33)

on Apr 29, 2009

on Apr 29, 2009

A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross.

To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him.

On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog.

The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?"

The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass."

483

Wizard1956

on Apr 29, 2009

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city.

One night, one said to a another, “I'm so hungry. I'm going to go get something.”

“No don't! We have to wait for the others!”

“I don't care.” And off he went.

About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood.

The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?”

“You really want to see?” asked the bloody one. “Follow me.”

So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?”

“Yes,” came the reply.

To that the first says, “Well, I didn't.”

484

Wizard1956

on Apr 29, 2009

How to clean a cat:

1.Thoroughly clean the toilet

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''powerwash and rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, the Dog

485

starkers

on Apr 30, 2009

aww so cute... here

on Apr 30, 2009

on Apr 30, 2009

aww so cute.

I put that link up , didnt relise I was signed in as tha capn

on Apr 30, 2009

on May 01, 2009

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The hymn-leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn No.365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'

490

mrs_starkers

on May 01, 2009

The Hippie and the Nun

Once apon a time (Approximately, 30 years ago) there was a Hipster who had just gotten stoned. He got on a bus and sat at the back where there was a Nun reading the Bible. Being stoned, he asked, “Hey. Wanna hook up and score?”
The Nun simply replied, “No no, thank-you anyway. My virginity is Sacred.” Feeling stupid, the Hippie finally gets to his stop and is about to leave when the bus driver stops him.
“Dude, if you really want to hook up with her, you should go down to the Church every Sunday. She is a Christian and a dedicated one too. She literally LOVES Jesus!”
This gave him an idea
He dressed up as Jesus and walked into the Church on Sunday. Sure enough, he saw the Nun praying. He walked up to her, held out his arms and said, “Behold. I am the mighty Jesus Christ. Lets score.” She was overjoyed

After it was over he ripped off the Costume and screamed, “Hah! I’m really the Hippie!.”

The Nun simply replied,” And I’m really the Bus Driver.”

491

mrs_starkers

on May 01, 2009

Divine Golf

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

492

mrs_starkers

on May 01, 2009

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

493

Wizard1956

on May 03, 2009

Signs You're No Longer in College...

-- You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close.

-- Your potted plants stay alive.

-- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill.

-- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.

-- You attend parties that the police don't raid.

-- You're not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking.

-- You refer to college students as "those kids."

-- You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of just beer, beer and beer.

-- You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza.

-- At 6 a.m., you're putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.

-- Naps are no longer weekday options.

-- Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.

-- Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips.

-- You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.

494

mrs_starkers

on May 04, 2009

this is so funny, this was on our local radio station sometime ago, its a practical joke gotcha call ... here

495

jnelsoninjax

on May 04, 2009

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'.   If you do it, I'll donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."   So the Colonel hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.   "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help.   I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders.   The church could do a lot of good with that much money.   It would help us to support many charities.   But, again, I must decline.   It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."   So the Colonel gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate.   "This is my final offer, your Excellency.   If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news.   The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news.

Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

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