During a revenue raising blitz on motorists, a police officer pulls over a guy and asks to see his license and registration. Satisfied that the rego was in order, the cop scrutinises the guy's license and notices he is supposed to be wearing spectacles while driving... and he isn't...

"Sir it says here on your license that you're supposed to be wearing spectacles while driving, so where are they???"

"Oh, it's OK officer, I don't have to wear them any more...."

What d'ya mean, you don't have to wear them any more, if it says so on your license then you are required to wear them. Sorry sir, I'm going to have to write you a ticket!"

"But officer, you don't understand! I have contacts!"

"Look... I don't give a fuck who you know, I'm still writing the ticket!"

A frustrated housewife, tired of her husband's disinterest and workaholic ways, decides to go to the local 'adult' store to buy some items that'd help spice up their love life together...

While there, she spots the perfect negligee and matching crotchless knickers, so buys them, along with some black fishnet stockings, a suspender belt and a pink feather boa to help arouse his interest...

That night when he returns home from work and feeling rather tired, she greets him at the front door wearing just the see-through negligee, the crotchless knickers, fishnet stockings and suspender belt...while casually flicking the pink feather boa very provocatively so as to catch his eye: "Hello dear, and how was your day?"

"Oh, it was alright I suppose!"

"That's nice, dear... oh and I've prepared your favorite for dinner, if you'd like to take your place in the dining room and pour yourself a drink, I'll begin serving."

With that, the husband goes into the dining room and notices romantic music playing in the background, that all their best china and cutlery is out... and that the room is softly candle-lit...

After dinner the wife asks: "Well, dear, how did you enjoy your meal, was it cooked to your liking... and wasn't that the most delicious dessert?"

"It was alright, I suppose!"

Hmmm, things were not going very well, so the wife decides it's time to take drastic steps to arouse his interest, and removes the pink feather boa to reveal her shimmering breasts beneath the flimsy fabric of the negligee...

"So how do you like my new negligee... do you thinks it's sexy????"

"It's alright, I suppose!"

"And how about my new fishnet stockings?"

"They're alright, I suppose!"

Hmmm, things are definitely not going her way... he's just not responding to the stimuli and she's getting real desperate... so she points to her nether region and the crotchless nickers and asks: "Do you want some of this?"

"Like hell I do...look what it's done to your knickers!!!!!"

A Polish immigrant applies for a driver’s licence, and has to take an eyesight test. The optician shows him a card: “C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.”
“Can you read this?” the optician asks.
“Read it?” the Pole replies, “I know the guy.”

hmmm.....
Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in sunday school. usually she slept throught the class. one day the teacher called on her while she was napping. "tell me mary, who craeted the universe?"
when mary didn't stir, little johnny a boy seated behind her took a pin and jabbed her in the butt. "God almighty!" shouted mary and the teacher said "very good"and mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked "mary, whos our lord and savior" but mary didn't even stir from her slumber. once again, johnny came to her rescueand stuck her again."jesus christ!" shouted mary and she fell back asleep as the teacher said "very good".
Then the teacher asked mary a third question. "what did eve say to adam after she had her 23rd child?" and again johnny jabbed her with the pin. this time mary jumped up and shouted,"if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, i'll break it in half!!!"

Good one mrs starkers!   

GOD TAKES A HOLIDAY Joke
God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out. He's had enough of the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he's decided to take a holiday. He calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few suggestions.

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Mars? It's nice and warm there this time of year." God shakes His head before answering, "Nah I went there 15,000 years ago. It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty."

"What about Pluto?" suggests another. "No way!" God mutters. "I went there 10,000 years ago. Freezing it was too."

"What about Mercury?" says another. "Are you kidding?" says God. "I went there 5,000 years ago, I nearly burnt me bollox off it was that hot, never again."

"I've got it," says St. Peter, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"

"You must be joking," says God, chuckling, "I went there 2,000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish bird, and they're STILL bloody

The language Barrier

A Chinese businesswoman frequently flies into Australia and usually has wads of Japanese and Chinese money, as well as US Dollars on her, so goes to the bank to exchange it all for Australian currency in order to do local business.

I was in the queue behind her on one such occasion and over-heard a rather heated argument over over the amount of Australian dollars the Chinese businesswoman received for her overseas currency. No matter how many times the frustrated teller tried to explain that she was receiving a lesser amount due to constantly changing exchange rates, the Chinese businesswoman still did not understand and kept arguing the point that she had been short changed

Now she was obviously an astute and businesswoman, because she heads a multi-national import company, but she was obviously having some difficulty understanding English, particularly so with the teller having the strongest Aussie accent....

After about 15 minutes and getting relatively nowhere, the very frustrated teller thrusts the money through the little window and says: "Look, I'm terribly sorry, madam, but this is all that I can give you according to the current exchange rates."

The Chinese businesswoman, however, is still dissatisfied and wants further clarification as to why she is getting much less for her overseas currencies than she did yesterday, and demands, yet again: "I don't understand, why do I get less Australian dollar today than I get yesterday?"

By now the teller has reach boiling point and all composure/etiquette has gone out the window as she loudly snaps: "Fluctuations!!!! Fluctuations!!!"

"Well fluck you Australians too!!!" and she stormed out with her cash.

4 High School friends meet at their High School Reuion. Then the fourth High school dude goes to bathroom and the others start to talk about their sons...---

Highschool Dude 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!

Highschool Dude 2: Really? My son's made me proud to. He's became so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.

Highschool Dude 3: Even my son got rich to. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yatch and plane.

---The fourth Highschool Dude comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.---

Highschool Dude 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.

Highschool Dude 1: What a shame.

Highschool Dude 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yatch, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

"I am a Yankees fan," a New York City teacher explains to her students. "Who here likes the Yankees?"
Everyone raises their hand except one little girl.
"Janie," the teacher says, surprised. "Why didn't you raise your hand?"
"I'm not a Yankees fan." says Janie.
"Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then what team do you like?"
"I like the Red Sox." Janie Answers.
"Why in the world are you a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are Red Sox fans."
"That's no reason to be a Red Sox fan," the teacher replies, annoyed. "You don't always have to be just like your parents. What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?"


"A Yankees fan."

Got this in an email today and found it amusing.

Youtube video

very good zakai, I am still laughing

What does a stripper not want to break while dancing?



Her water.