Joke Central

please add your own, we all can use a laugh

Published on February 7, 2008 By Keila In WinCustomize Talk

IRS

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."

What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

Comments (Page 29)

421

DrJBHL

on Mar 07, 2009

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass Wright's Pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the Pharmacist?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?

"Pharmacist:"Ofcourse we do.

"Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: '"Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

422

Keila

on Mar 09, 2009

Ok, I have to admit that I totally laughed out loud at one part of this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oR1Ha-8yYbg

423

angus1949

on Mar 09, 2009

"Are you the Pharmacist?"

That's the same pharmacy I use.

424

mrs_starkers

on Mar 10, 2009

hahahahahaha that was great I laughed so hard.... thank you keila

425

mrs_starkers

on Mar 10, 2009

A blonde found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer kept trying to get the blonde to play a game of intelligence but she refused. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10-to-1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50. The lawyer figured he could not lose and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Blonde Jokes - Jokes The lawyer was puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally - angry and frustrated - he gave up and paid the blonde $50.

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

426

mrs_starkers

on Mar 10, 2009

What do you call a blonde that changes her hair colour.........artifcially intelligent

427

aunteachrist

on Mar 11, 2009

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

She chewed off three legs and was still stuck in the trap.

428

mrs_starkers

on Mar 11, 2009

A  man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when
he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to
investigate. A few days later he received this letter.

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house,
He come to house.
He and she leave house,
I follow.
He and she go to hotel,
I climb tree to see.
He kiss she,
she kiss he.
He strip she,
she strip he.
I play with me,
I fall out of tree,
I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

429

Wizard1956

on Mar 11, 2009

Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

430

DrJBHL

on Mar 11, 2009

Best Geek Quotes

1/ There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

2/ If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

3/ I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly

4/ My pokemon bring all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my charizard

5/ My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

6/ Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base
Are belong to you

7/ A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

8/ Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

9/ In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

10/ I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code

11/ The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!"

13/ UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

14/ You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead.

431

DrJBHL

on Mar 11, 2009

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

432

Wizard1956

on Mar 14, 2009

A Cowboy and an Indian were riding the plains in search of buffalo.

Suddenly the Indian stopped and placed his ear on the ground and said "Buffalo come"

The Cowboy then asked"How can you tell? Can you feel the vibrations?"

"No" replied the Indian,"Ground sticky"

I tried several times and for some reason,I can't post this on Saturday Funnies, maybe the joke is just too old.

433

DrJBHL

on Mar 14, 2009

I'd think there might be something more "perceptable" than stickiness...

434

Wizard1956

on Mar 14, 2009

Rejected Hallmark Cards.

1)So your daughters a hooker
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
She's a really good lay!

2) My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I loooked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3) You had your bladder removed,
and you're on the mends.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.

4) You've announced that you're gay,
Won't that be a laugh,
When they find out you're one
Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!

5) Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy!

6) Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be,
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me!

7) You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been
that case of Bud Dry?

435

DrJBHL

on Mar 14, 2009

More Rejected Cards:

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.

5. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

6. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

7. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

8. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

9. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

10. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and Arkansas)

11. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

12. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband

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