3 nuns die
3 nuns die in a car crash and they go up to heaven and Peters at the gate and he says before you come in i'm afraid you will have to answer a question so he says to the first nun don't worry the questions are very easy so he asks what was the name of the first woman and she says Eve and he says yep your in then he says to the second nun where did eve live and she says Garden of eden and he said yep your in then he says to the third nun which was the mother superior i'm affraid the question is going to have to be a bit harder for you so he asks what did Eve say when she first saw Adam and the nun says ooh thats a hard one and peter says yep your in

3 nuns
there were 3 nuns in the church 2 were crying 1 was laughing the preist walked up 2 a crying 1 and said 'why are u crying' the nun said i killed some 1 ,the priest said go drink from the holy water so he went up 2 the 2nd crying nun and said why are u crying she said' i stole a car' and he told her to drink from the holy water 2 then went up 2 the laughing nun and said why are u laughing she said' i peed in the holy water'

Mental Health Day!

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
   
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
   
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
   
   
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
   
   
Happy Mental Health Day!
   
   
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
   
   
Done my part!!!

HAHAHHAHAHAAHA......Yep...there's a skin in there somewhere. Heck! A whole new OS.

After their 11th child, a very "rural"  couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Just happened on this today Funny as sh__t

Kasiola

Sometimes you can reach too far!

And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of....

There is one thing you should always remember......

Not everyone who shows up......

Is there to help you!!!!

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away.
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
" Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

@WG & Shaunna:    

====================================================================================

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration

Erotic lustfulness

Loss of motor control

Loss of clothing

Loss of money

Loss of virginity

Attraction to the same sex

Table dancing

Headache

Dehydration

Dry mouth

And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:

The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.

i started out with nothing,and still got loads of it left.

   B'dum-b'dum!

Guess what you got from me?

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

Ewwwwwwwww......LOLOL!

Military Words of Wisdom

1. "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

2. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and
"Oh, shit!"

3. "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."

4. "Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once!"

Not a joke... but I thought it was funny.

I had a couple of pushy Jehovah's Witness women in their 50's at my door once.  I'd not long gotten home from work and only had 5 hours before my next shift, so wanted to get rid of them quickly and go to bed...  but one put her foot in the door and went on about the 'wages of sin'

Nothing I said got rid of them, and jamming the door on the inserted foot didn't work either... so I dropped my shorts to reveal Mr Angry (who was staring at them through the crack in the door) and invited them inside to experience some real sin.

I've never seen JW's move so fast. They were outside my front gate in seconds... leaving the shoe from the offending foot behind on the doorstep.